Seriously...tell me what you think of this!

Hi, hello. I am now about three pages into the new and improved story in which I have entitled "The Red Velvet Cape", this is my original work which is a story about a young man living on a shaky path. He grew up with a Christian family and always attended church and had a strong faith. During his pre-teen years the boy experienced a great tragedy that left him filled with grief and anger causing him to follow a path of destruction eventually leading to darkness coming over his heart. Somehow (I won't tell you how) the guy is placed in a coma (just his physical body) and he is transported to a realm similar to Earth but a place where no veil blocks our view from good and evil. He is placed into a spiritual battle for his soul and if he fails the tasks at hand that may cause terrible things to happen and his destiny won't be fulfilled. God gave the man a guardian to look out for him and help him learn and to complete the tasks he must fulfill. Does that sound like a good book? Please I sincerely hope no one will steal that idea but I need some other opinions. Here is a few paragraphs that I hope you will enjoy and critically comment on your thoughts. I want this to work out well and to do that I need your help to so let me know what you think. Here it is...

The darkness was coming; lurking under the cover of every shadow. It hid beneath the rocks or behind the bushes in a friendly backyard. Waiting for the perfect moment to pounce and latch onto his soul. Squeeze his heart so that he succumbed to its wrath. The same darkness that he feared he longed to embrace and allow into his life. He brought the darkness to his doorstep. He invited it to come and terrorize his family and those he loved. All that he needed to do was open the door and welcome it completely into his life. Doing so could have reverberations that would spread far beyond him; touching the lives of every person around him, even those he had never talked to. But he wanted the darkness. To him it didn’t matter what the consequences were all that mattered was the freedom he thought that he saw in those cold, clammy hands; the hands that were wringing the life right out of his body. The freedom he thought they offered would give him powers far beyond his wildest dream. That thought was a grave mistake.

The familiar roar of the Ducati’s powerful engine and the vibration beneath his hands as Eric Masterson pealed down the deserted street was a comfort to him. He knew every curve of the deserted path and not even the time of night could affect his confidence on his journey home from a disappointing endeavour. He was a successful businessman, some would say that Eric had worked hard to make it to where he was but he knew better than that and so did his beloved girlfriend although she would never admit to him just how much she knew. He cheated his way to the top. Regardless of how he got himself there Eric knew that he was the right man for the job. He had taken the company ten times farther than his predecessor and he was still young enough to continue taking it farther. Just because Eric stayed out late partying every night didn’t mean that he would be bad for the job. The Chairmen just couldn’t understand that. They thought Eric was far too young and inexperienced. That’s what forced him to do what he had to if it meant that he could be at the top.

Eric was heading home from a long “heart-to-heart” he had at his girlfriend’s house with his best friend. Essentially it was an intervention. The two of them had begun hanging out all the time while he was busy working or doing other things. He discovered that they were doing it behind his back and when asked they replied “Oh, we were just bonding,” as if he could believe that innocent statement. Their relationship had all the characteristics of something far different than “bonding” time but of course he was supposed to trust them and let whatever was going on happen with no questions asked. How could he do that? They were off behind his back. After this went on for a month Eric finally had enough. He broke up with her. That was all that he could do. She called all week but he just ignored those calls. There was no way he could even look at her, or him. Some great friends he knew.

Earlier that day he ran into his friend; or rather ex-friend. Eric tried his hardest to duck behind the aisle in the store but it was too late and Anthony had already spotted him. Eric avoided eye contact as best as he could but Anthony crossed the distance to talk with him.

Ignore any spelling or grammar issues as I haven't read it over yet and just tell me how it sounds. Seriously if I ever see that someone uses this idea or the writing I will fine you for it. This is not free for all to take just to read and comment. Thank you for reading and for your comments that are deeply appreciated.